?

Log in

eat your water, kiddies. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Disappearing act in progress.

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Wow! [May. 1st, 2007|09:54 am]
Disappearing act in progress.
[feelin' it like whoa |amusedamused]

I weighed myself this morning and I was down two more pounds. That's good because I also started my period this morning, which means I'm bloaty with water and stuff. So, yay for the two pounds!

I'm sticking to the fruits and vegetables. <33
linkpost comment

Yay? [Apr. 30th, 2007|12:57 pm]
Disappearing act in progress.
[feelin' it like whoa |highhigh]
[baby I'm groovin' to |Nofx]

I'm down five pounds. Yay for me I guess. I ate a sandwich yesterday so I felt really disgusting.

Today I'm not eating bread or meat or pasta. Only fruits and vegetables.

I'm being gross again though. I'm on my second Corona Light. I love these things.

Mama bought me a years worth of tans at the Pink Coconut. I love that salon. I tanned for five minutes today and now I have a bazillion freckles (cute) and a light tan. Those beds are hot. I went into the high performance, which I'm going to do again tomorrow. I feel like I have loads of energy. Tanning always makes me feel good.

Now I'm going to shut up, kick back, smoke a cigarette and drink beer. LIGHT beer. <3
linkpost comment

Ew. [Apr. 28th, 2007|05:10 pm]
Disappearing act in progress.
[feelin' it like whoa |fullfull]

I ate a cookie. I am going to puke it up. Ew.
linkpost comment

Shit a beer. [Dec. 19th, 2006|09:51 pm]
Disappearing act in progress.
[feelin' it like whoa |weirdweird]

Chris says:
Let's get some shoes.
DEAD FISH.
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<x}}}>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

Chris says:
Let's get some shoes.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
I'm wearing no underwear.
Chris says:
That would be sexy if there wasn't a baby sitting next to you.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
I didn't mean for you to tell him that, but I'm really not wearing any underwear.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
TeeHAHAHAHAHA.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
Tell him I have enough homosectual friends.
Chris says:
I understand.
Chris says:
Who is this "Him" you speak of?
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
Dude, what do I say?
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
Who is this him you speak of?
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
Blart.
Chris says:
Bork.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
Did you say mama? Hmm?
Chris says:
Your mother.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
I farted.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
I totally cut one.
Chris says:
Sharted.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
I pooped out a green bean earlier today.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
It was cool.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
I should have served it up on a plate and fed it to the kids.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
It still looked like a green bean too.
Chris says:
That would have been the greatest thing ever done by a mother figure.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
It had a few puffy brown particles attached to it but other than that it looked like it came out of a can.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
It did too. The porcelain can.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
I should try eating spaghetti and see what happens.
Chris says:
Corn.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
Come on. Anybody can shit corn. Hell, I shit corn even if I haven't eaten any for a month. But to shit a green bean, now that's real talent there.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
Amateurs.
Chris says:
No, not even.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
When I was young I used to sit in the pea gravel on the playgrounds and swallow rocks. You should have seen the scenic logs I used to lay. If I stuck a little moss on top I'd have the perfect setup for a manger. Pooping out a baby Jesus might take a bit of work, howbeit.
Chris says:
If you shit out a steak I will eat it. That's how impressed I'd be.
Chris says:
That's pretty gross, you rock-eater.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
Watch. I will shit out baby Jesus and sell it on eBay for a million dollars.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
Then we will see who laughs.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
It will be me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Chris says:
You'll get $15,000 tops.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
That'd buy a lot of beer.
DEAD FISH. <x}}}>< says:
I wish I could shit out an ice cold beer right now. I'd so drink it.


I'm so twisted.
linkpost comment

Shot in the butt. [Dec. 19th, 2006|07:42 pm]
Disappearing act in progress.
[feelin' it like whoa |calmcalm]

Yeah, I have to get one. The dreaded shot in the ass. I don't want to, really, but it's so much better than popping out a baby again so soon. I love my baby. He's my entire life. I just can't have another yet.

Jon wants another, I'm just not sure. It's so backwards. I was begging him for one more and he wasn't sure, now he wants one more and I'm not so sure. I'm probably not cut out to be a parent. I'm way too selfish.

It's funny I say that. I buy everything for my baby and every spare second of my time goes towards his well being. But the truth is, I'd rather be skinny than be healthy, and that's where the selfish part comes in. Very, very, very selfish.
linkpost comment

I'm not dead yet. [Oct. 29th, 2006|06:47 am]
Disappearing act in progress.
[feelin' it like whoa |calmcalm]
[baby I'm groovin' to |The hum of this computer]

Wow, it's been forever since I last updated. I can't believe how much life has changed for me. Yes, I am still with the same man. Yes, I still am very much in love with him.

We had a baby boy on the 7th of August. He weighed nine pounds and seven ounces. It was so hard for me to weigh myself. I can't even begin to tell youhow often I have just broken down and cried. I now weigh the same as I did when I first started. Well, almost anyway. All of that hard work, all of my suffering, the laxatives, the water binges, the fainting spells, starvation, dizziness, it was all for nothing. I can no longer fit into my cute clothes. I was proud of my weight.

But you know what? I have learned an important lesson. There is more to life than appearance. More to life than being thin and light and having everyone look at you. I have a newborn baby boy who looks at me with love and smiles every single day of my life. He doesn't care how big or little I am. He just needs me. He doesn't know the difference. If I could do things over and go back, I would do the same things all over again without hesitation. Well, minus being such a bitch to Jon (I'm so sorry).

He was worth gaining all of that fat, but you know what? Yep, you guessed it. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. That's what I'm doing. I've been eating less, getting my strength back, and I'm going to exercise again. I've cut out red meat, salt, sugar, flour, and oils from my diet. I live on raw vegetables, apples, white fish, and chicken breast. I've lost a total of 60 pounds in two months. I'm getting there. Soon I'll be able to wean myself of food and I'll get back to where I was. At this rate it really shouldn't take me too long. I want to be pretty for my boyfriend again.

No, we are still not married. Blah.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Mar. 2nd, 2006|02:22 am]
Disappearing act in progress.
[feelin' it like whoa |depresseddepressed]
[baby I'm groovin' to |"Iris" the Goo Goo Dolls]

Sweet is the sight
Of her room
Window open by candle light
How would you know
Cold winter on the shore
Chills the dress she wore
It's on the floor
It feels so warm
Today

And that's why I'm wondering
Why you had to tell me
What's going on in your head
What's wrong
Come around to another time
When you don't have to run

And when she says she wants somebody else
I hope you know
That she doesn't mean you
And when she breaks down and makes a sound
You never hear her
The way that I do
And when she says she wants someone to love
I hope you know
That she doesn't mean you
And when she breaks down and let's you down
I hope you know
That she doesn't mean you

Swing into flight
Over hills
Over her hills, it's twilight
Yeah, I guess that's right now
And while we're here, tell me
Why it's so funny
That you're so funny
When you're mad
Cause it's mad, so mad

And thats why I'm wondering
Why you had to tell me
What's going on in your head
What's wrong
Come around to another time
When you don't have to run

And when she says she wants somebody else
I hope you know
That she doesn't mean you
And when she breaks down and makes a sound
You never hear her
The way that I do
And when she says she wants someone to love
I hope you know
That she doesn't mean you
And when she breaks down and let's you down
I hope you know
That she doesn't mean you

I don't know where you're coming from
And I don't know where you're coming to
And I don't know what it means to me
And you don't know what it means to you

She doesn't mean you

I love this song when I'm depressed for some reason. It kind of reminds me of how I am with Jon when he does things that hurt me. I've told him I think we should see other people, I've told him I can't do this anymore, I've told him I don't want to love him anymore. All complete and utter bullshit of course.

Men are such bastards. I should have just stuck to my girlfriends. Men are assholes and women are psychos. It's a lose-lose situation, but at least women have boobs. I love boobs. <3

I can't drink (I used to party like mad), I can't do drugs, and I can't smoke pot. I can't take pills. The only thing I have is my pack of cigs. Jon hides out in his father's trailer for the entire fucking day to get away from me and to smoke a bowl. He says he doesn't smoke anymore and that he quit for me. Yeah right. I smell it on his breath, in his beard, and I see it in his bloodshot eyes. He thinks I'm so stupid. I don't give a fuck if he smokes, it's the fact that he HIDES it from me. I FUCKING HATE WHEN PEOPLE DELIBERATELY AND OBVIOUSLY LIE AGAIN AND AGAIN EVEN THOUGH THEY KNOW I KNOW. If you're going to do something, fucking do it! Don't think you're hiding it from me. I grew up with an alcoholic father. He constantly HID things from me and it MAKES ME FUCKING CRAZY WHEN PEOPLE THINK I'M SO GODDAMN BLIND AND STUPID THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. God fucking damn it all! I've sliced up my arms so many times. I'm running out of room for my anger sculpting. It felt so good to take my anger out on my skin. I was in a blind rage. I didn't know what I had done until I felt the blood sliding down my arm, wet and warm. And I calmed down. Just like that.

I accused Jon of only taking the time to see me when he wanted to sleep or he wanted a fuck. Then he told me "Well I won't give you sex anymore." He told me, basically, that he felt obligated to give me sex because I felt like he didn't love me when he didn't. That made me feel so bad. We had fought about this and he missed the entire fucking point. It made me feel bad because I didn't want him to feel like a piece of meat. I explained this to him but I left out my point because he wouldn't get it anyway. It's not the sex. He doesn't look at me anymore. He used to look at me, watch me, stare at me in wonder as if I were the most curious and interesting creature ever to have walked this world. He gives me a peck on the lips once in a while. He used to caress my shoulders, my legs, my arms, stroke my cheeks, run his fingers through my hair. He used to take me in his arms and press me against him as tightly as he could. Now it's as if I don't exist. Like I said, it's not the sex. It's the intimacy. Being close to him. The attention, the affection, feeling like a real person. I miss that so badly. Now I don't exist and he spends all of his spare time smoking pot in his father's trailer. It's as if he doesn't care, doesn't love me anymore. I don't want to believe in love anymore. I'm carrying his child and I need him right now. He isn't there for me. I'm scared to death, I'm lonely, and depressed. I think about what it would be like everyday to just end it, but I couldn't hurt my baby. Not ever. It's the only person who needs me.
linkpost comment

Baby blues [Mar. 2nd, 2006|12:05 am]
Disappearing act in progress.
[feelin' it like whoa |grumpygross]
[baby I'm groovin' to |"She Says" Howie Day]

My due date is the 29th of July. I can't wait to pop this baby out so I can get back to losing those pounds and inches. I feel like a big tub of lard. I haven't gained any weight anywhere except for my stomach. Maybe I'm having twins. I sure as hell hope not. I would just die.

Anyway, I'm being good. My boyfriend and I got into a major fight about my eating and my attitude and stuff, so I've been eating lots of salad and vegetables lately. He keeps making me instant breakfasts and watches me to make sure I drink them. Sometimes one just can't run to the toilet fast enough.

All of this weight I'm gaining is making me nucking futs. I feel fat and gross and bloaty. Sure, I'm big and fat because I have a baby in my belly. But I have another four months to go. I'm not sure if I can make it. I desperately want to lose weight right NOW. I might just put myself on a quick weight loss diet. My baby will still be well fed, right? I just know I'm going crazy. I can't step on a scale and I can't look at myself anymore.
linkpost comment

Hi! [Feb. 13th, 2006|06:43 am]
Disappearing act in progress.
[feelin' it like whoa |crazyclever]
[baby I'm groovin' to |"Only Time" - Enya.]

I'm still alive, don't worry. I've just been visiting my boyfriend. I had forgotten how nice it is to be able to wrap my arms around someone and hold them against me as I fall asleep. The only problem is he always notices how much I eat. I tried eating lettuce and he was like "That's not food." Yes it is. Blah. Anyway, I've been sticking to light tuna twice a day. I split a can for my two "meals". I just tell him I'm making a sandwich. I conveniently leave out the part about no mayo or bread, haha. I'm so clever. His mom is making dinner tomorrow. How the hell do I get out of this one?
linkpost comment

kahdfgha [Feb. 11th, 2006|01:04 pm]
Disappearing act in progress.
[feelin' it like whoa |lonelylonely]

Breakfast: 1 glass of water, two bites of teriyaki rice, vitamins.

Lunch: 2 glasses of water, one bite of plain white rice, one small sip of fat free milk.

I have a hangover from last night. Ugh, I forgot how many calories are in beer. Now I'm all gross. My boyfriend didn't call me so I went over to some guy's house who's interested and watched movies and drank. It's my boyfriend's fault. If he doesn't want me seeing other guys, he needs to start fucking paying attention. Why can't he be more needy like a woman? He doesn't fucking need me. I've tried everything to get his attention. I stopped eating regular meals and I started cutting on myself. He knows about the cutting and he knows why I do it. It's mostly his fault and he doesn't care. It's how I deal with stress. If he doesn't start caring, I'm going to abort his baby and do away with him altogether, even though we're supposed to move to Wyoming and get married. He's ruining everything. Stupid males.
linkpost comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]